Don't I Know It...

Tailor Made

I'm not a particularly big girl (in height or width), so whenever I buy a professional/nice outfit it inevitably needs alterations. I personally like to take my threads over to Eddie's Tailoring. Just the other day a wedding popped up and thinking I had the perfect dress I waited until the day before the event to try it on. Way to go, Braino! That dress be slaggin in the breasteses area (I mean, let's be serious, even Paris Hilton's chest puts me to shame...or any 11 year old boy for that matter). So, what does a lady do when her garment material be all bunchin and scrunchin up in Danny DeVito territory? She rolls down to Fast Eddie's - they be doin some freaky mad alterations, son.

I came back in to pick it up the next day and that shiznits was done proper. I looked so good I was about to ditch my man to go trolling for some new slampieces. But only a minute later, the newly tailored dress released its magical powers and restored my former lady-likeliness. So I rejected the Devil's temptations, stayed with my present love, and went to the wedding where I received many complements (and even a few butt-taps and high-fives). 

I swear, that back-stitching is unlike anything else!

My Idea of Heaven

 

and what? 

So, my sister was telling me that in some state recently (I can't remember which one, forgive me) there was reason for an evacuation. The local news was capturing footage of people during the evacuation and, as most families do when given enough time, they grab their most valuable possessions. Well one particular family was captured collecting their lawn flamingos. I mean, I love me some flamingo, but really?

Give Me a Break

Anyone who says having a child was the best moment of their life has obviously never had two Kit Kats fall out of a vending machine at once.

Any Questions?

 

I just blew your mind.

6 Thruths

1. If you lean your head back and simulate shaking salt into your mouth, you will actually taste salt.

2. All idiots, after reading this first truth, will try it.

3. And discover that the first truth is a lie.

4. You're smiling now, because you're an idiot.

5. You soon will try this on another idiot.

6. There's still that stupid smile on your face.


I apologize about this.
I'm an idiot and I needed company...

Look on the Bright Side

Belt still in yesterday's pants? Now it's in today's pants.

Humility - There's That Word Again...

Extreme Couponing

To the lady in front of me at Giant - I don't know what came over me. We all have those silly thoughts that run through our heads sometimes, but we dare not say aloud, and I think somehow my wires got a little crossed. I would like to take this opportunity to apologize for my behavior, which I can assure you was a complete anomaly and will never happen again.

In case you forgot: You handed the cashier a coupon for something or other and she replied back to you, "this has expired." You seemed a bit flustered. Perhaps it was the slightly rude way in which the check-out lady said it. Perhaps the 23 cents off your Lean Cuisine was going to make or break your bank. Either way, I assure you, what happened next was an honest mistake. Why I proceeded to yell, "OH! In your face!" is beyond me. I thought the words in my head, joking as I often do, but the synapses weren't firing correctly or something. It was instinct in its purest form.

Believe me, I was just as embarrassed as you were, perhaps even more so, as the three of us (you, the cashier, and me) stared at each other in bewilderment. Talk about feeling like an eternity! My apologies, bargain shopper, for I hope that your full-priced butternut squash ravioli was able to make a comforting home in your belly and that maybe we can put this whole "incident" behind us.

Mottos: Everyone Needs One

Prickly Caterpillars Turn Into Bats

A couple of weekends ago I went camping for the first time ever. If you put the humidity and mosquitoes aside, it's actually a lot of fun! A lot of the time was spent sitting around shooting the shit and drinking – much like a beach getaway, but instead of being surrounded by sand and waves, it’s dirt and daddy longlegs (blech!)

The first afternoon there (Luray, VA campsite) was spent drinking and exploring. There is nothing like breaking the seal in the middle of the woods that really makes you feel at one with nature. At one point I looked down to find myself giving a tick a golden shower. And when that doesn’t even faze you, you realize one of two things: either you’re more buzzed than you thought, or maybe you’re actually cut out for this camping thing. Either way, that tick got a lot more than he was bargaining for, but I secretly think that sick freak of a bloodsucker enjoyed it. 

After taking in the flora and fauna of Luray, VA, my friends and I got on the topic of caterpillars, because these very strange looking (black and prickly) caterpillars were everywhere. I should also note that as a child I LOVED caterpillars. My mom would have to be very weary when doing my laundry, because more often times than not she would reach into my pockets only to find clumps of dead caterpillar families that I had put in there when “playing” with them. When questioned I would proudly exclaim, “I got caterpidders in my pockets!” To this day my mother still calls them “caterpidders”. So anyway, we start talking about these caterpillars (mainly because my dork-brain was fascinated by them) and the question arose, “what do they turn into?” Not because we’re idiots who don’t know that, obvs, caterpillars turn into butterflies, but because these were special caterpillars. They were like the Goths of the caterpillar world, all black and sullen with spiky things protruding from their bodies. Therefore when the caterpillar query came about, my instinctual answer was, “bats! They turn into bats!” So, if this hardcore (as in dark eyeliner and dog collars) insect ever crosses your path, just remember there is a distinct possibility it could morph into a blind, nocturnal, bloodsucking, flying rodent. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

A bat in disguise.

Oh Hi

You know the age-old question, “What three words would your friends use to describe you?” Actually, I don’t really know if this question really qualifies as “age-old”, but I know I have and most likely you have been asked this question more than once in your life. Out of every word that exists in the English lexicon that my friends could have used to answer this with, “normal” or even “sane”, were never on that list. This is not something that ever bothered me. In fact, I fully embrace my… uniqueness(?). My freak flag is flying and it’s flying high! <--See, perfect example. So with all the odd and out-of-this-world thoughts I have running through my brain on a daily basis, I thought to myself, ‘I cannot be the only one entertained by my idiocracy.’ So friends, please delve inside these deep (and often times deranged) thoughts and I will provide you with hours of entertainment in its purest form. (And nope, “humility” was never on that descriptor list either.)